My Day Away From Reddit

Once upon a time in the grand epoch of earlier this week, many of us performed the unthinkable. We didn’t just reduce our screen time or limit ourselves to a reasonable number of subreddits. No, we achieved the impossible—I, and many others like me, got off Reddit for an entire day. I can hear the collective gasp. Allow me to impart the incredible transformations that occurred on this historic day.

The day began as most do, with the deafening silence of an alarm not being snoozed and the absence of AMAs, TL;DRs, and r/AskReddit threads. I started to notice some strange occurrences. The pale glow of dawn’s first light was somewhat less pixelated. My phone, bereft of my ceaseless scrolling, felt lighter, as though it too had been released from the unyielding grip of the little alien icon.

Faced with an unthinkably empty morning, I ventured outdoors, where I found myself shocked by the painfully high resolution of real-life sunlight. Who knew there were so many hues of green or that bird songs weren’t just a feature on a lo-fi study music channel?

As lunchtime rolled around, I made a sandwich, and to my surprise, it didn't taste of hasty bites between rants on r/politics or crumbs lodged in my keyboard. It was actually... enjoyable? The lettuce was crisp, the cheese perfectly melted, the bread—without the bitter aftertaste of an online squabble—was downright divine.

In the absence of digital distractions, I could think clearer, moving past cat memes and heated debates about pineapple on pizza. I started pondering questions like, "What is the nature of existence?" and "How did the universe come to be?" It was in these profound reflections that I discovered the Theory of Everything—only to forget it moments later. As it turns out, the human brain isn’t quite equipped to hold the secrets of the universe and a sandwich at the same time.

As the afternoon waned, things became downright weird. With no downvotes to dread or upvotes to chase, I was free to think my own thoughts. I wrote a novel—twice. I invented a new color. I even rediscovered a forgotten eighth continent, though its location seems to have slipped my mind. At some point, I'm pretty sure I telepathically communicated with a squirrel. The world without Reddit, it seems, is a place where anything can happen.

By evening, I was ascending. Light shone from my fingertips. I could hear the whispers of trees and the humming of the cosmos. Time itself seemed to slow, becoming as irrelevant as an unseen subreddit. With no need to periodically refresh my feed, I existed in a perpetual state of now, an enlightenment that even the most ancient yogis would envy.

And as I laid my head on the pillow that night, I realized I could comprehend every language, from Aramaic to Assembly. I could remember every moment from my life, even that awkward dance from my 7th grade prom. I had become an omnipotent being, unbounded by the limitations of karma, subreddit rules, or loading times.

So, there it is, my friends—a day away from Reddit. A journey from mundane to absurd, from the pedestrian to the divine. If I can do it, then who’s to say you can’t do it too?